Suddenly, I’m not so little anymore.

Thought:

Every single, seemingly small decision I make,

affects my purpose.

What I do with my purpose

affects my generation.

What happens in this generation will

affect the generation after.

“That is why we said, ‘Let us get ready and build an altar–but not for burnt offerings or sacrifices’. On the contrary, it is to be a witness between us and you and the generations that follow that we will worship the Lord at his sanctuary with our burnt offerings, sacrifices and fellowship offerings.Then in the future your descendants will not be able to say to ours, ‘You have no share in the Lord.'” Joshua 22:26-27

For The Win

As most of you could probably relate, for the past couple of weeks I’ve found it so hard to be passionate. What with all my assignments wearing me down and hormones going crazy I started focusing on things that are not worth my time. Most people liken passion to fire, but at the moment, my one feels more like tidal waves: they get bigger, then crash right back down. Whilst on the race, I made a pit-stop and paused a little too much.

A couple of days ago, I got back one of my big essays for uni, and expecting that with all the blessings God has been giving me recently, He’s going to add another by giving me a Distinction for this essay. But guess wat? I didn’t even get a credit, let alone a distinction. I got another measly pass, the same mark I’ve been getting all throughout my uni life. And I got so frustrated. I started questioning things. Myself mostly. Where I’m at.

Am I meant to be doing this?

Maybe I’ll just drop this course and look for a job, move on with my life.

Maybe I’m in a different story.

I’m not good at what I do.

Surely, 4 years of getting the same mark, that must say something.

And I got so down. Seriously. I ended up focusing on things that I didn’t have. Or things that I had but lost. I wasn’t blaming God or anything. I was just blaming myself. And so I slept with a heavy heart, asked God to just give me more strength to do the two essays I’ve got left, which by that time, I wasn’t even motivated to do anymore. I mean what for right? Should I even put any effort, knowing that I probably wouldn’t get what I deserve? I woke up, dragging myself in front of the computer, making myself feel better by doing what I have to do.

Maybe some of you are like that now; having felt elated with passion, you realise your circumstances haven’t changed. Failed relationships, demanding jobs, insecurities–these are the things that don’t really help keep that fire burning.

And so I was frustrated that I ended up screaming in my head, “No God, right now I don’t want your strength; right now, I want answers!” And man, what he does with demanding faith. He gave me Deuteronomy 4:32-38  (biblegateway dot com for the win!).

I used to think that what I read in the Bible were things that just happened in the past. They were GREAT, for lack of a better word, and are great examples of how God reveals himself to us; but I’ve always thought that those miracles–the cloud of fire, the victories–were things that happened to THEM and things that will never happen to ME. It’s different: my victories would consist of getting HD’s at uni, and landing a perfect job, and then maybe, changing the world. But when I got to that verse, God said to me that who he was then and who he is now has been the same ever since. And when I answered his call in this generation, whatever happened in those days, BECAME MY STORY TOO.

I will not live as this one person who got through uni and had a family and went to church; instead, when God looks at me, I want him to see me as someone who was part of this great story he’s created and that I continued it. I have been so consumed by winning this world’s standard: that if I get a Pass instead of a HD, if I wasn’t the best competitor, then I’ve pretty much failed it.  Those people that Moses led out of Egypt towards the land of milk and honey were in the wilderness for so many years, it’s safe to say that perhaps some of them or possibly most of them had started to think, “Crap, we’re going to die here, we’re not meant for anything better but this great harsh land of nothing.” But God was telling them and telling me now that: NO! Don’t look at your circumstances, because I don’t, I never do. The most important thing is you hear my voice, that I took you out of that miserable state you were in and bringing you to my victory; that I’m HERE running this race WITH YOU.

When most people around me strive to get that success to have that sense of fulfilment according to this world’s standards, me, I’m winning something else. Don’t forget what you’re running this race for and who you were before you got to the starting line. 4 years of uni feeling miserable for not getting the marks I thought I deserved; feeling that I’m not as smart as I thought I was, I can say that nothing much has changed. Well, definitely not my marker’s love for me anyway. For those who can relate to this, I want you to understand (like I have) the most important thing: Even though your situation hasn’t changed, YOU HAVE. When you chose to run God’s race, you’re not bound by your circumstances anymore. 

YOU’RE BOUND BY PURPOSE. 

So if you’ve felt like you’re at the pit-stop right now, go now, and keep running.

When the curtains pull up, I will dance.

(Edit: I wrote this entry the day before my birthday but didn’t get to post it. I’ll post it anyway because it serves as a reminder to myself that I have a part in this great story.)

Ok it’s weird, I have been seeing the number 22 everywhere. Fb posts were posted 22 hours ago, my inbox has 22 emails, my blog was viewed 22 times, I have 222 friends on this social networking site…or something other. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe because it’s leading up to my birthday that this normal number just started becoming more prominent in my eyes.

So I was born on the 22nd of August. I’m turning 22. I am a twin. There’s really nothing out of the ordinary there, but those can’t all be coincidences. I looked up events in history that fell on this date and there were pretty interesting ones (aside from all the political revolutions and assassinations); I noticed alot of discoveries such as the discovery of theft of Mona Lisa  in 1911; of GOLD in Johannesburg, South Africa 1926; of the FIRST RING of Neptune in 1989; and of course, of Australia in 1170, when Captain James Cook landed on the eastern coast. On August 22 1941 German troops reached Leningrad and seiged it after. That was the start of World War II.  A year after that, Brazil declares war on Germany and Italy.

As for births, it would’ve been great if there were any Queens and Kings and Leaders born on this day, but alas, I didn’t see any. I did notice births of many artists, poets, writers and physicists (physicists?!). A sign perhaps?  

What’s the whole point of this? I really don’t know, but I bet you guys are going to look up now what historical events happened on YOUR birthday, aren’t you? hahah *Start a trend: DONE, boo-yah*

It does seem though, that lately, I have been subjected to prod into the day I was placed here on Earth. It’s not that I ever thought I was a mistake and that I had no place here, but just how IMPORTANT that day really was. I was told that God was thinking of me even before I was born, and last night when I was reading, it was revealed to me that he wasn’t just thinking of me, like how I think of certain people say, when I’m bored, or when I miss someone. When he thought of me, I was already predestined to be great. There was already a plan, just for me. I wasn’t chucked into this world and then was told, “Hmm, ok you can take the role of a teacher. Or maybe a poet.”

I was already  ready to be moulded into the image of Christ, to lead the way for my future children. The day God thought of me was the same day I was CHOSEN and CALLED. So when I was born on the 22nd day of the 8th month in the year 1987, God was already setting up ways to justify the plans He has for me. Everything that happened on the same day years before that , the discoveries and the wars, probably had nothing to do with me. It was probably someone else’s story. But here I am, turning 22 in less than 24 hours . What have I been doing all these years? I’ve stumbled along the way, got lost for a bit, ran around in circles; Tomorrow, I will not only celebrate the day I was born, but it shall be thus marked in history the day I let God say, “Let me uphold and prove the purpose I have for you.”

And wouldn’t it be great, on that day, I will be glorified by the same God who justified me?