For The Win

As most of you could probably relate, for the past couple of weeks I’ve found it so hard to be passionate. What with all my assignments wearing me down and hormones going crazy I started focusing on things that are not worth my time. Most people liken passion to fire, but at the moment, my one feels more like tidal waves: they get bigger, then crash right back down. Whilst on the race, I made a pit-stop and paused a little too much.

A couple of days ago, I got back one of my big essays for uni, and expecting that with all the blessings God has been giving me recently, He’s going to add another by giving me a Distinction for this essay. But guess wat? I didn’t even get a credit, let alone a distinction. I got another measly pass, the same mark I’ve been getting all throughout my uni life. And I got so frustrated. I started questioning things. Myself mostly. Where I’m at.

Am I meant to be doing this?

Maybe I’ll just drop this course and look for a job, move on with my life.

Maybe I’m in a different story.

I’m not good at what I do.

Surely, 4 years of getting the same mark, that must say something.

And I got so down. Seriously. I ended up focusing on things that I didn’t have. Or things that I had but lost. I wasn’t blaming God or anything. I was just blaming myself. And so I slept with a heavy heart, asked God to just give me more strength to do the two essays I’ve got left, which by that time, I wasn’t even motivated to do anymore. I mean what for right? Should I even put any effort, knowing that I probably wouldn’t get what I deserve? I woke up, dragging myself in front of the computer, making myself feel better by doing what I have to do.

Maybe some of you are like that now; having felt elated with passion, you realise your circumstances haven’t changed. Failed relationships, demanding jobs, insecurities–these are the things that don’t really help keep that fire burning.

And so I was frustrated that I ended up screaming in my head, “No God, right now I don’t want your strength; right now, I want answers!” And man, what he does with demanding faith. He gave me Deuteronomy 4:32-38  (biblegateway dot com for the win!).

I used to think that what I read in the Bible were things that just happened in the past. They were GREAT, for lack of a better word, and are great examples of how God reveals himself to us; but I’ve always thought that those miracles–the cloud of fire, the victories–were things that happened to THEM and things that will never happen to ME. It’s different: my victories would consist of getting HD’s at uni, and landing a perfect job, and then maybe, changing the world. But when I got to that verse, God said to me that who he was then and who he is now has been the same ever since. And when I answered his call in this generation, whatever happened in those days, BECAME MY STORY TOO.

I will not live as this one person who got through uni and had a family and went to church; instead, when God looks at me, I want him to see me as someone who was part of this great story he’s created and that I continued it. I have been so consumed by winning this world’s standard: that if I get a Pass instead of a HD, if I wasn’t the best competitor, then I’ve pretty much failed it.  Those people that Moses led out of Egypt towards the land of milk and honey were in the wilderness for so many years, it’s safe to say that perhaps some of them or possibly most of them had started to think, “Crap, we’re going to die here, we’re not meant for anything better but this great harsh land of nothing.” But God was telling them and telling me now that: NO! Don’t look at your circumstances, because I don’t, I never do. The most important thing is you hear my voice, that I took you out of that miserable state you were in and bringing you to my victory; that I’m HERE running this race WITH YOU.

When most people around me strive to get that success to have that sense of fulfilment according to this world’s standards, me, I’m winning something else. Don’t forget what you’re running this race for and who you were before you got to the starting line. 4 years of uni feeling miserable for not getting the marks I thought I deserved; feeling that I’m not as smart as I thought I was, I can say that nothing much has changed. Well, definitely not my marker’s love for me anyway. For those who can relate to this, I want you to understand (like I have) the most important thing: Even though your situation hasn’t changed, YOU HAVE. When you chose to run God’s race, you’re not bound by your circumstances anymore. 

YOU’RE BOUND BY PURPOSE. 

So if you’ve felt like you’re at the pit-stop right now, go now, and keep running.