As most of you could probably relate, for the past couple of weeks I’ve found it so hard to be passionate. What with all my assignments wearing me down and hormones going crazy I started focusing on things that are not worth my time. Most people liken passion to fire, but at the moment, my one feels more like tidal waves: they get bigger, then crash right back down. Whilst on the race, I made a pit-stop and paused a little too much.
A couple of days ago, I got back one of my big essays for uni, and expecting that with all the blessings God has been giving me recently, He’s going to add another by giving me a Distinction for this essay. But guess wat? I didn’t even get a credit, let alone a distinction. I got another measly pass, the same mark I’ve been getting all throughout my uni life. And I got so frustrated. I started questioning things. Myself mostly. Where I’m at.
Am I meant to be doing this?
Maybe I’ll just drop this course and look for a job, move on with my life.
Maybe I’m in a different story.
I’m not good at what I do.
Surely, 4 years of getting the same mark, that must say something.
And I got so down. Seriously. I ended up focusing on things that I didn’t have. Or things that I had but lost. I wasn’t blaming God or anything. I was just blaming myself. And so I slept with a heavy heart, asked God to just give me more strength to do the two essays I’ve got left, which by that time, I wasn’t even motivated to do anymore. I mean what for right? Should I even put any effort, knowing that I probably wouldn’t get what I deserve? I woke up, dragging myself in front of the computer, making myself feel better by doing what I have to do.
Maybe some of you are like that now; having felt elated with passion, you realise your circumstances haven’t changed. Failed relationships, demanding jobs, insecurities–these are the things that don’t really help keep that fire burning.
And so I was frustrated that I ended up screaming in my head, “No God, right now I don’t want your strength; right now, I want answers!” And man, what he does with demanding faith. He gave me Deuteronomy 4:32-38 (biblegateway dot com for the win!).
I used to think that what I read in the Bible were things that just happened in the past. They were GREAT, for lack of a better word, and are great examples of how God reveals himself to us; but I’ve always thought that those miracles–the cloud of fire, the victories–were things that happened to THEM and things that will never happen to ME. It’s different: my victories would consist of getting HD’s at uni, and landing a perfect job, and then maybe, changing the world. But when I got to that verse, God said to me that who he was then and who he is now has been the same ever since. And when I answered his call in this generation, whatever happened in those days, BECAME MY STORY TOO.
I will not live as this one person who got through uni and had a family and went to church; instead, when God looks at me, I want him to see me as someone who was part of this great story he’s created and that I continued it. I have been so consumed by winning this world’s standard: that if I get a Pass instead of a HD, if I wasn’t the best competitor, then I’ve pretty much failed it. Those people that Moses led out of Egypt towards the land of milk and honey were in the wilderness for so many years, it’s safe to say that perhaps some of them or possibly most of them had started to think, “Crap, we’re going to die here, we’re not meant for anything better but this great harsh land of nothing.” But God was telling them and telling me now that: NO! Don’t look at your circumstances, because I don’t, I never do. The most important thing is you hear my voice, that I took you out of that miserable state you were in and bringing you to my victory; that I’m HERE running this race WITH YOU.
When most people around me strive to get that success to have that sense of fulfilment according to this world’s standards, me, I’m winning something else. Don’t forget what you’re running this race for and who you were before you got to the starting line. 4 years of uni feeling miserable for not getting the marks I thought I deserved; feeling that I’m not as smart as I thought I was, I can say that nothing much has changed. Well, definitely not my marker’s love for me anyway. For those who can relate to this, I want you to understand (like I have) the most important thing: Even though your situation hasn’t changed, YOU HAVE. When you chose to run God’s race, you’re not bound by your circumstances anymore.
YOU’RE BOUND BY PURPOSE.
So if you’ve felt like you’re at the pit-stop right now, go now, and keep running.
7 comments
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November 1, 2009 at 3:50 pm
allycakes
i love your posts! as always
this helped me since studying has been a fail lol *sigh
i know the race that i wna run, and its not bound by the disappointments and burdens on uni.
im running for something SO MUCH BETTER!!!
love you!
November 3, 2009 at 10:26 am
abbiecasin
win that trophy that lasts forever! (y)
love you!
November 1, 2009 at 10:30 pm
unknownstrength
NICE Abbie*thumbs up* Love it! Your awesome ^.^
“When you chose to run God’s race, you’re not bound by your circumstances anymore.
YOU’RE BOUND BY PURPOSE.”
simply AWESOME! keep going!
PeaceLove
– Mac
November 3, 2009 at 10:27 am
abbiecasin
as awesome as your posts aye?
aww thanks Mac! =D
oxo
November 3, 2009 at 2:33 am
Joana Medina
I love it Abbie. You inspire me! I was looking up a song Kuya James wanted me to cover called Legacy by Nicole Nordeman (sp?) and it just reminded me of it as I read this.. Anyway look it up hehe.. Reading this.. Sounds alot like me at school haha.. But you’re awesome. You know where you stand. And none of what you’ve written has made me doubt your smarts. Because you’ve got a wonderful mind! A mind I enjoy picking at hehe. Love you xD
November 3, 2009 at 10:28 am
abbiecasin
LOL if only my blog posts give me the HD’s at uni.
but oh well, I’m aiming for a HD in life. 🙂
I’ll listen to that song now, but it already sounds orsm. :p
Thanks for the feedback, love you!
November 6, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Danica
Great lesson. I actually feel like I’m in a pit stop right now *sigh* This post has been an encouragement.
And can you believe I clicked on the link to the Deuteronomy passage, when I could’ve just flicked through my Bible. Ha!